This post was originally published September 21, 2014.
All my life I've fashioned myself after characters in movies, books, and popular culture. I'm highly susceptible to cultural influences and because of this, sometimes I live in a fantasy world: I glamorize people, places, and things, and I'm constantly searching for moments that I might be able to feel nostalgic about in the future.
When I was little I would put on outfits from the "dress up box" (this dress used to be my Mom's) and then ask my parents to take pictures of me.
One place I've glamorized recently is New York City, where I'm moving to in 11 days. Thankfully I've been there enough times to know that the glamorized version in my head is very different from the reality of New York City, but that doesn't stop me from fantasizing.
Me at the top of Rockafeller Plaza in 2012.
In my last few days at home, in between packing, I've been imagining what my life will be like. Since I'm moving with no plans-- no job, no friends-- my life could go in a number of unknown directions. Because I'm so frightened of the unknown, I've taken memories of characters from stories that I know to help picture what my life might be like in the city.
Of course, the dream will shatter when I finally arrive in New York and my life becomes mine and not an impersonation of a fictional character. Until then, here's four fictional women that I fancy myself as in New York:
1. Hannah Horvath - Girls
In this fantasy, I'm living in Brooklyn: I'm annoying but lovable, talented, and unwillingly to forgo my art for any reason. I spend my spare time working on my book, which will be a memoir that includes the most hilarious highlights of my life (like the time I went to Jesus Camp, or how I drove away every boy with an interest in me in high school) and careful descriptions of all the crazy theatre people I met in college. I'll obsess over the book and the only thing that'll separate me from it will be my unstable, emotionally-unavailable and slightly rude boyfriend. I'll eat whatever I want and do whatever I want, and I will still find myself attractive, and this confidence will earn me everything.
2. Holly Golightly - Breakfast At Tiffany's
In this fantasy, I'm the lost and naive young-woman, concerned mainly with glamour and men. Like Holly, I won't have very many friends in the city, except for my cat. I'll be too flighty and alternative to give it a name, so I'll just call it "Cat" and I won't even care. I'll sleep in until noon and wear a sleep mask with heavy eyelashes glued on to it. Then, I'll pick up my vintage rotating-dial telephone and call someone (who? I don't know) while I light a cigarette attached to a long holder. This fantasy includes a rich young man falling in love with me as I softly croon "Moon River" out my fire escape.
Here's me looking sad in the lower east side, circa 2012. My dad has a copy of this photo above his bar and he says it reminds him of Holly Golightly.
3. Annie Hall - Annie Hall
Like my Holly fantasy, in my Annie Hall fantasy I'm also an independent woman, but a little lost, navigating the big city. I have awkward but compelling quirks and a penchant towards menswear, and I relentlessly pursue my artistic interests. My idea of menswear will be called "GoodWill Mens Section" (named for obvious reasons) and I will read short stories at poetry readings and try to join an improv team. An emotionally unavailable and slightly-depressing man (ideally not a chid molester or rapist or creep) "discovers" me and idolizes my quirky, awkward personality and I get to complain to my friends "ugh he is so obsessed with me!"
Here's I am directing a theatre rehearsal, caught wearing men's clothing on purpose.
4. Carrie Bradshaw - Sex And The City
Harder to fantasize about since I don't have a tight-knit group of girls to rely on in New York. However, in my Carrie fantasy I am attractive, smart, successful, and flirtatious. I have no fear when it comes to men, and I get hit on all the time. I schedule dates after dates after dates and have my pick of all the men in the city. I write a successful blog where I ponder these exploits, and I learn important lessons about myself and life in general in the process. I also have an amazing closet and I strut down the street fearlessly and in heels.
This is me at The Standard on my trip to NYC in June. In my Carrie fantasy I'd go here all the time.