This post was originally published November 11, 2014
You know how people like to hack their friends' Facebook, and write something absurd-but-kind-of-believable to embarrass the person cuz all his/her friends will think it's real? I basically used to just do that to myself a lot of the time. Like, I'd hack my own phone just because I think I'm the best at it. No one would ever be able to hack my phone as well as I can hack my own phone. This blog, is devoted to examples of this, other variations of the same idea, and how I discovered my love of confusing people.
It all started when I met my best friend, Camilly, in 2009, and we bonded over our shared love of watching other people react to absurdity. We both get a kick out of confusing people, confidently saying things that don't make sense, and being so sarcastic that it's impossible to tell if we're serious or not. Pretty soon our friends told us that they enjoy us each separately, but can't handle us when we're together (and this is because together, we would make fun of these friends to no end.) Camilly and I made fun of our friends so much, I literally had someone tell me once: "you gotta be nicer to people! You are so mean!" (I took this as a victory.)
Plotting a scheme, circa 2011.
Camilly and I would find a target, and rail on them to no end. Once we got started, we couldn't stop, because we'd turn this person into a character, a fictionalized version of themselves, and insist that our fantasies of the character were real. For instance, we told everyone that her friend Mark was obsessed with the movie Burlesque (with Cher and Christina Aguilara). Camilly told a vivid story about how at the end of the movie, in the theaters, he got up and screamed: "Now THAT'S a MOVIE!" Bur-LASK!!!!!! BUR... LAAAAAASK!!!!" and punched the air triumphantly.
We tried to convince people that we had drugged our friend Kyle and taken him for a night out on the town, Weekend at Bernie's style, because he wasn't appreciating us enough when he was conscious. In our fantasy date, Kyle went to the movies, held my hand, and finally let me kiss him on the forehead.
We were sick. We were hilarious.
Going through my old screenshots, I picked out some of Camilly and I's best gags, and a few I did on my own to show her. Anyways, here's some of my favorites, and an explanation for each:
1. Camilly 2 Todd, 2010:
Here, Camilly and I were in the city together, away from our friends at home. We were talking about how silly the phrase "make love" sounds. We also just loved messing with our friend Todd because he's pretty gullible and very straight-forward. (Note: the two have a long-standing platonic relationship so what follows was extra funny):
"Todd--what are your plans for this evening? Cause I was considering making love to you."
We thought it was extra funny that Camilly's character would instantly assume that Todd's hesitation was because he was "alarmed" by her breasts. Also, why would Todd be in charge of this other guy's schedule? Like as if he's gonna answer "sure, lemme get his datebook" to the "can I pencil him in to make love?" question?!
What kind of a question is "who do?" That phrase has followed me forever cuz I think it's genius. I gotta give credit to Camilly to coming up with it though: she did invent "Who Do?"
"I am just asking for a lover. Nothing more, nothing less." Is the worst pick up line. I am obsessed with it. It's also something Camilly would absolutely never say seriously, ever, so I don't understand why Todd thought this was something truthful that she was asking. "I'll be that lover if you get me" is the perfect response. Too bad he wasn't kidding.
2. Megan 2 Adam & Rob, 2011:
When I was a freshman or sophomore in college, I did a few plays where I met Adam and Rob. Adam and Rob are not friends with each other, but I suppose they knew each other from doing theatre in college, like we all did. Rob was a very tall, very large, actor in our theatre department. He was a senior at the time, so he was a few grades ahead of me, and our social circles absolutely did not collide (other than the few times we partied together for "cast parties" and things like that.) Adam was very short, very small, in my grade, and is still good friends with some of the people I got to know in college. We were never close, however, but I just thought he would be fun to throw into this mix because he, like Rob, is a very happy guy and I knew they would both think the best of me and never suspect that I was just entertaining myself and completely joking.
So here's the text I sent to the most random group of acquaintances, completely unannounced and randomly:
"thought we could use a place to privately chat, away from all those fools!!"
Who even are "all those fools" ? It's not like we'd all ever discussed how foolish "everyone else" is, so right off the bat, we have me not making sense at all. I thought I'd bring up television, because it's one of those topics (like the weather) that is a "ice-breaker" or "small-talk" and I wanted these guys to get the vibe that I was trying to bridge together a far-fetched friendship. I don't know why.
Note Rob's hesitation-- "you included me in this?" Smart.
"I'm sorry, ARE YOU NOT INTO GOSSIP?" Burn. I like that I tried to vehemently defend the idea that we could all be friends, even though it was literally the weirdest combination of people--obvious to anyone that we're not about to start meeting up for coffee dates or anything.
Finally I just dropped the bomb-- "do you guys think Blake things I'm hot?" I don't know how to describe Blake, a mutual acquintance... he's just one of those guys.... one of those guys that no one ever asks "do you think Blake thinks I'm hot?"
Thanks for the polite response though, Adam.
3. Nate L. 2 Nate P., 2013:
Sophomore/Junior year I had two friends named Nate, who were roommates with each other. At the time, I liked Nate L better so we got together to set up this funny exchange with Nate P. First of all, how stupid is it to ask someone "what time is it?" over iMessage? It clearly says what time it is on either of their phones:
I like how not only does he ask a major favor, to draw him a bath, but also just goes ahead and adds some qualifications to it: "in like 30?" That's not only asking another person to draw you a bath (FOR NO GOOD REASON) but also is asking the other person to DRAW IT QUICKLY. Like, what's so important about your bath? He also just assumes that Nate P will say yes and goes ahead to describe the exact steps for drawing him a bath (oddly perticular, Nate! Dude likes a bath gel.)
Also, why does Ranier usually draw your bath??? I loved that part. I like to think it made the lie more believable. Like, Nate P would read it and be like, "oh, he said Ranier usually draws his baths. He's probably not joking then."
Nate P of course assumed that Ranier herself had taken over Nate L's phone, but he was wrong. Twas me!
But Nate L and I didn't let this stop us from what's really important: baths. We leave Nate P with a final plee: "help a brother out." No caps-lock, no emojis, no grammar. Just a simple phrase. You know what to do, Nate.
4. Me 2 Tinder, 2014:
With the invention of Tinder, I no longer had to mess with friends of mine. I could just mess with people trying to be friends with me! So now, not only was I alienating the friends I already had, but I was alienating potential friends! (LOL IM STILL SINGLE!!!!)
I don't even know how to explain this ones. I guess I just wanted to see how I could incorporate certain animal emojis into my Tinder conversations (or, near-conversations, since my emojis marked the end of all conversing).
Step 1-- choose an emoji. Step 2-- use that emoji thrice. Step 3--exclaim the animal represented in said emoji, and how many times you used it (just to make sure they understood the emoji).